The Stepmoms' Club by Kendall Rose

Author:Kendall Rose
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Sourcebooks
Published: 2018-05-01T04:00:00+00:00

Feelings

Even under the best of circumstances—which means having a communicative partner who not only has a healthy relationship with his kids, but with his ex as well (an anomaly, at best) and who understands his day-to-day responsibilities with his kids—you may not only feel overburdened and overwhelmed in your new modern life, but you may also be wondering where exactly you fit in.

You may think that you just don’t feel the same way about your stepkids as you do your own child(ren)—gasp! As we mentioned earlier, it’s perfectly natural not to feel the same way about your stepkids as you do your bio kids. It happens, and it’s a very tricky subject. A lot of people, including the so-called experts, will disagree with us. You may find yourself shamed if you share these feelings with others, but it’s an important truth to acknowledge. You may indeed love your stepchild(ren) and want the absolute best for them, but the feelings you have for them may not be on par with how you feel about your own kids. That, in itself, is a tremendous and important realization, because the “pitch” is that as mothers, as women, we are expected to love all our children, bio and otherwise, equally. It’s like some female creed passed down through the ages that no one has ever questioned. Not to do so is downright alarming, psychotic even.

Accept that you do (or will) feel differently about your stepkids than you do your bio kids, and the sooner you acknowledge that, the less inebriated you may need to get. Along with that, accept that your partner does, indeed, love his own kids unconditionally.

Give yourself time to get to know your stepkids. Do not, as we said earlier, think of yourself as “Mom.” You’re not. Period. If you need to think of yourself in some role, then think of that role as “coach.” As the best coach you can be, you will not criticize your partner or his kids, because criticism only serves to set up his and their defenses. If you’re blending two families, not only will you need time to get to know your stepkids, but your kids will also need time to get to know their new siblings. Rules need to be the same for both sets of children living under the same roof (even if they’re only together part time). It will never help to complain to your partner, “my kids would never do what your son did!” or “look how much messier your daughter is than mine!” Being observant and not on the offensive will lead to your own constructive insights, which you can then introduce in equally constructive and sympathetic ways. Remember, be constructive, not critical—actually, a good piece of advice no matter who you are. You and your partner are a team, albeit a new team figuring out new rules and boundaries, but a team nonetheless.

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